Friday, April 13, 2012

Is it just me..

..or does this guy strike you as the worst kind of cycling twat ever?:


From the designy site I spotted this on:

Bike Building Manifesto by Bertelli

This is the kind of bike you would ride during a bright sunny Sunday in the middle of spring, with your newspaper under your arm, heading to your favorite breakfast bar.
From the bici site:
Bici is the Italian slang for bike/bikes, every Bertelli Bicycle is a unique design object that you won’t find in any store in New York City. Every part is assembled by hand, finished and fine-tuned by me, Francesco. All my bikes are track bikes and fixed gear only (with the exception of some coaster-bike builds) I combine brand new parts with “new old stock” and vintage parts found at flea markets, old bikeshops, collectors and from my trustworthy suppliers. The final result is that you won’t find exactly the same combination in any other bicycle out there. And you bicycle will be unique.

I like (and all my bikes have and will have:)

- No logos and stickers
- Lugged steel
- Skinny tubes
- Quell stems
- Vintage cranksets
- Track geometry (listed where?)
- Leather & wood
- Unusual handlebars
- Chrome Forks

I do not like (and it is unlikely you will see on my builds:)

- Visible logos & stickers
- Threadless fork
- Clamp stam
- Visible welds
- MTB Handlebars
- Sponge grips
- Fake leather saddles
- Machined rims
- Flip-flop wheels

My favorite is this quote:

"I still feel that variable gears are only for people over forty-five. Isn’t it better to triumph by the strength of your muscles than by the artifice of a derailleur? We are getting soft…As for me, give me a fixed gear!"
—  Henri Desgrange, L’Équipe article of 1902

I'm totally for old irrelevant quotes and all, but I mean, come on already. That was when derailleurs were still NEW. I'm sure if you were to put Henri D on a Sram Red equipped Carbone with some blacktop under the deep dish wheels, he would have a completely different opinion altogether.. 

I just have a really hard time dealing with some of these labels out there who cater to only one specific type of person. By type I mean these well off nuovo hipster yuppie pseudo intellectual urbanites that are no less singular minded than the counterparts they fled post-haste from which ever fly over state in they originated from. The type that are drawn towards, and for all intensive purposes, are suckered into buying stupid shit like that. It's as if their montra is: I know the look I like is amazing because what I like has a look that lots of other people like the look of. Huh?! Seriously?!! Fucking ug and more ug..

If you're still unsure of the type I'm talking about, look no further:



If watching that doesn't make you want to puke there's something very, very wrong with you. I for one am looking forward to the moment I can share a knuckle sandwich with the first terd I see wearing that stupid fucking thing in public..

Anyways, back to the original cycling bitchfest..

As for the bikes themselves, they have this initial veneer of being pretty and somewhat well thought out. Until you look at them for more than a second to appreciate the details, or lack there of. Believe me, I'm all for simplicity and minimalism. Though the thing about minimalism is that unless it's pulled off exceptionally well:

IT'S

FUCKING

BOOORRRRRING

Like, wow, REALLY fucking boring!

The bikes are essentially like a Linus, only slightly nicer without the Linus decal. It's as if you were to buy a linus and throw some different bars and saddle on it. Oh wait, that is essentially what he did!

OOOOOWWWUUUHHHOOO! 

ZO AMAZING!


ZO ZIMPLE!

ZO YOUNEEK!

ZO ZTYLISH!

Give me a fucking break already with that znoring BS!!

It's obvious this guy is using stock sized imported shit frames and parts, slapping them together with some vintage parts and charging stupid shit bastards double what he pays. It's brilliant in that he's taking advantage of the inexhaustible supply of lame brained assholes NYC and the world has to offer. Lord knows if he was building them himself, or if built in 'merica, there would be this non ending drone of carrot waxing rederick about how uniquely artisan he is at building bicycle frames. I know because that's how I feel when I make whatever bat shit crazy bike I put together. It's called being stoked on something you built with your own two hands. The emphasis on built pertains to his attempt at selling the notion of 'hand assembled' as if he has some specially acquired skill that mere mortals are unable to aquire. Regardless, there isn't even a remotely good reason for it to be made into something of altruistic grandeur..

At a starting price of $1500 I would expect some ACTUAL altruistic graneur as opposed to a bunch of superfluous minimalist design drivel. For instance, at no point does he make a single mention of ride quality. Gee, I wonder why? Could it be that the frames teamed with mostly no frills overseas parts and a few vintage ones just doesn't ride quite as nicely as the overwhelming minimalist design has to offer visually? Oh but wait, I'm getting ahead of myself here. It's not about all that because riding to your local breakfast bar with your paper under your arm isn't about ride quality. It's about looking like you're some hot shit sophisticated looking mother fucker. Great. Just completely abscond from the notion of what the true core of cycling is. Utility..

Here's the bottom line. Go to a Linus dealer. Spend $500. Look around on ebay for a used Brooks saddle and neat stem. Spend at most $200. Go back to bike shop and have them assemble it for you. Tops you're looking at $850. Grab your paper and fuck off into the sunset..

Better still, give ME $1500 and I'll hook you up with an ACTUAL unique kick ass kooky custom frame. My beta frames tester list has been steadily growing BTW. I need to cut that shit off thos cause there's only so many free frames I can build for people to test for me..

Anyways, it's almost 2am and I'm fucking tired of sitting at work. It certainly is worth my while in the end when I receive my overtime check, but damn if it isn't a bear dealing with this shit while it's happening!

I'll leave you mofos with my favorite new model I discovered:

Amazon Eve measuring in at 6' foot fucking 8"!:



Check out the video at the bottom of the page too- it's fucking mmmmMENTAL!

God fucking damn what I wouldn't do to climb all over that tall drink-a-water. That and get into a proper brawl with her. No shame in losing to that one that's for sure!


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3 comments:

5olly said...

IT'S A MAN WITH TITS

Jednokolečko said...

LoL xD
best post in recent time!! so true about this so called unique design and certainly unique costs of bikes some ppl are tent to pay. I'm feken sick of what's happening here in this shit capital of Slovakia and their ''that's the way the bike must look like''
No freedom in their minds just hipster culture influenced.. That's why I stopped socializing and mind my own shit.. there are exception to be honest anyways!!
cheers
Marek..

keirinsteel said...

Great post Alan! Don't hate on the dude too much though. It's definitely not original or unique and it's overpriced - but so is 95% of the crap out there. What makes it any more 'hipster' than sponsored 'fixed gear' video edits, coloured cranks and hold fast toe-straps or $6000 carbon frames? I love vintage italian racing steel and period correct builds but thats kinda hipster too. So just enjoy being a unique freak and show us more of your shit instead of wasting precious interweb space with boring shit.