Monday, August 25, 2008

Coincidences, Cunts and Cunundrums...

Saturday a pretty fun and semi weird day. Here in the city we had the whole Saturday street closures thing going on. It was the last one so I felt semi obligated to scope it out. While I was waiting for Andy to show up on the 72nd street end, I noticed that Commissioner Ray Kelly was on hand to show his miserable face. Unfortunately I was only able to snag a bike snob esk blurry photo of him and his giddy wife on a yellow schwinn:


Had there not been cops all around me I probably would've gotten a better shot of him instead of just making another porno shot of my bike...

He eventually made his way over to the group of 5-0 standing next to me. They chatted a little. Blue wall stuff mostly. What was really amusing was when these two twatty old broads came up to him and were actually complaining though their shit eating grins about the whole 'bike people problem' here in our fair city. You know, the way the majority of everyone who doesn't ride a bike see it. I tried to listen in a little in while looking completely uninterested but being the ever hyper aware copper that he is, Kelly resorted to whispering to the old cunts so as not to alarm me. Fucking douche...

We eventually rode downtown and enjoyed not being challenged by cars. Though I would have to compare it to riding on say the Henry Hudson Green way below 57th street on a Saturday. Slightly more spread out but still kind of annoying...

Once we got downtown and headed over the Williamsburg bridge and got some bagels. Which is where I spotted this beast:


As we sat on the curb across the street the best/worst/best thing ever happened. This woman who I had seen pass by earlier with a laundry bag and some other stuff was riding back after dropping it off at the laundromat. She was one of those six something foot tall thick but not fat amazonian chicks. MASSIVE girl. Also massive in size were the two mellons strapped to her chest. I only mention this because (aside from being suicidally horny) she was wearing this summer dress that could barely contain them while upright. As she rode over she tried to hop up the curb at an angle which was a really bad idea. Most of us have learned the hard way that if you don't pick it up a bit, the rear wheel ain't going to do anything but drag across that curb as if on a rail. I have to say as a man, there's nothing worse than watching a girly girl take a spill. No wait, what's worse is when you're walking down the street and a super hot chick walks by right as you catch a whiff of dog shit. Bleech!

So the worst/best part of it was my desire to want to put my bagel down, be a gentleman and go give her a hand. Right before I was able to do so, she started getting up. Which is when those fucking mellons I'd mentioned earlier, now horizontal and subject to more of the earth's gravitational pull, reminded me of an super skinny woman who's 8 1/2 months pregnant with twins: Mom, we're sick of rubbing up against your boney ass pelvis, LET US THE FUCK OUT! The sight of which left me motionless with the exception of my right arm instinctively stuffing another bite of bagel into my mouth. I did manage to blurt out an "Are you okay?" between chewing. Aside from staring that's about all I could physically muster. She said she was fine while dusting herself off. Which is when I noticed the scrape on her knee and trickle of blood flowing down her shin. I felt really guilty and awful for not helping her out. Though at the same time I kinda wanted to latch onto that big thick leg of hers like a leech and sup the blood from her wounds...

Christ I can't believe I spent all that time talking about some woman's tits! WTF is WRONG with me??? Meh, whatever.. They were fuckin' great!!

Once the gawking was over we rode back to the city to a shop that had somehow slipped under my til now radar called Chari and Co. A Japanese run mostly NJS/Keirin bike shop on the LES. GNARLY selection of Keirin frames and parts. Along with the gnarly prices you expect of Keirin frames to match. While there it turned out there was a bike show happening all of three blocks away. Which was weird cause I had no clue there was going to be one today. Usually bike events like this are better publicized. Anyways, I headed over to check it out and what do ya know, they were even dishing out prizes:


There were a bunch of cool bikes too:


There was a bunch more but since I was caught off guard by this show I wasn't exactly in a I have to take lots of pictures for my blog mode.. yyyeah, that only sounded slightly lame...

I also had the pleasure of meeting a bunch of the fellas off the NYC fixed gear forum too which was cool. As in my case, most of the people I talked to there had no idea it was going on. Someone put it best when they said: "It's kinda like bike fetish day, only toned down a lot"
I figured, shit, I'm here and I have a pretty bike.. Might as well enter. As I was signing up I was told that they were also taking photos of people and their bikes for a book that they were producing. I went ahead and got in line not really thinking much of it. I'm sure I'll regret not learning that lesson after what happened the last time someone asked me if they could take my photo...

A short time later they announced the results of the contest. Brooklyn Machine Works won a prize for their crazy ass suuuuuuper long BMX bike which for some reason I didn't get a shot of. This HUMONGOUS dude who went by the name of 'Fridge' won a couple prizes for his wwwwwicked trike complete with a custom fiberglass subwoofer enclosure. LOUD!!! Yeah, another bike I didn't get a shot of despite being completely redonk. Shortly after my name was called having won 'The Best Red Bike Award'.. I mean what are the chances that I happen to be riding around on an annoyingly all red bike, in the neighborhood of a bike show, that was giving out a prize for the best red bike..? Fucking weird man...

It's probably one of my favorite prizes I've won just cause it spins:


Yep.. Doesn't take much to amuse me folks...

After the show I went out to Bed Stuy to deliver one of the frames from my recent acquisition to Mattio (another fella from the forums). He was super stoked it on and should be sending me some pics of it built up soon...

Then I gave my former co-worker and female version of myself Kristen a ring to meet up for din-dins. I only say that about her because it's true and cause she likes girls probably as much as I do. She's also right up there with being way into bitchin' bikes too. I built her this wwwwwicked Pink, White and Black Bob Jackson road bike a few years ago. While I don't have a photograph of the bike, a former co-worker of ours baked a cake for her birthday a while back with a very reasonable facsimile of it on top:


Awesome right??!!!

I was famished from riding and was in the mood for something that had at one point been breathing. Kristen recommended this place called: Fette Sau (Fat Pig in German). It was gnarly! Great fucking meat sold by the pound and served up on aluminum oven trays. With what appeared to be a good selection of beer and whiskey. I don't drink so I can't give you any more info than that unfortunately...

Fattened by spicy pork sausage, biscuits and pickles, we then made an effort to walk it off. As we walked amongst the bevy of bodacious babes of Bedford and mentally bashed that fucking tie dye clad dancing hoho on the corner of north 6th in the head, we came to the conclusion that it was high time I build her another bike. Something in a more upright 3 speed cruiser with mustache bars or something. More on that in the near future...

What ended my night was a sight that I know for a fact the bike snob would've eaten up. I WISH I could've gotten a photo or video of it!!! As I approached the entrance to the Williamsburg bridge I was lucky enough to witness this bearded dude riding a fixed gear the wrong way up the street kinda fast. Nothing special on it's own but what was incredible about it is the fact that he had a backpack on AND was carrying an upright vacuum cleaner WITH BOTH FUCKING HANDS!!! I swear to you it was unreal. No handed riding at it's best and most unbelievably refuckingtarded! I knew then that I could officially call it a night...

I was on the way home when I noticed that the Hoboken skate park was empty. I decided to take the opportunity to bust out with some Berts since no one was around to make fun of me:



All in all it was a fun day. Fun until I got home and realized how badly sunburnt my pasty ass was:


OUCHY!

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1 comment:

mary poppins said...

some wild looking bikes! congrats on the red bike award